Matrescence: Why You Don’t Feel Like Yourself Since Becoming a Mom

Someone asks what you do for fun, and your mind goes completely blank. You used to have answers to that question. You had hobbies, opinions about restaurants, and at least one show you weren’t watching with a toddler narrating over it. Now you’re not even sure what you’d pick if you had a free Saturday, and honestly, the idea of a free Saturday feels a little made up.

If you’ve been wondering where you went, there’s actually a word for what’s happening: matrescence.

Matrescence is the process of becoming a mother. Anthropologist Dana Raphael coined the term in the 1970s, and it’s meant to sound like adolescence on purpose. Both involve big changes happening all at once: hormones, your body, your relationships, your sense of who you are, and how the world sees you.

Here’s the difference. Nobody expects a 13-year-old to get through puberty without some awkwardness and a few identity crises. New moms, on the other hand, are expected to “bounce back.” That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone who is also learning how to keep a tiny human alive on very little sleep.

What it can look like

Matrescence doesn’t show up the same way for everyone, but a lot of the moms I work with describe some mix of:

• Daydreaming about pre-kid life, like sleeping in or leaving the house with just a phone and keys, and then feeling bad about it

• Not recognizing their body, their schedule, or their own reactions

• Feeling guilty whenever they’re not being productive, with their brain always on what still needs to get done, like sitting down has to be earned

• Realizing some friends really get this new version of them, and some just… don’t

• Their relationship with their partner feeling different, even when it’s good

• Feeling torn about work, like whichever choice they made, part of them still wonders about the other one

• A general sense of “I love my kids, so why do I feel kind of lost?”

You can miss who you were and love who you’re raising. Those two feelings can live in the same person on the same day, sometimes in the same five minutes.

It also isn’t only a newborn thing. Plenty of moms feel it hit years in, like when a kid starts school, when they go back to work, or when a second or third baby rearranges everything all over again.

A few things that can help

Get specific about what you miss. “My old life” is a big, vague thing to grieve. Try narrowing it down. Maybe what you really miss about nights out is feeling spontaneous. Maybe what you miss about your old job is being seen as someone with good ideas. Once you know what’s underneath, it’s easier to find small ways to get some of it back.

Aim for pieces, not the whole thing. You probably can’t return to your exact pre-kid routine, and that’s okay. Twenty minutes of something that’s just yours counts. So does texting the friend you’ve been meaning to call.

Let the new parts count too. Matrescence isn’t only about loss. A lot of moms find they’re more patient, more confident, or better at setting boundaries than they used to be. Your identity is growing to make room for a lot of new stuff, and that can feel uncomfortable while it’s happening.

Say it out loud. These feelings get heavier when they stay in your head. Telling a partner, a friend, or another mom “I don’t totally feel like myself lately” often gets a “me too” faster than you’d expect.

When it might be more than an adjustment

Feeling a bit unmoored is a normal part of becoming a mom. But if the low mood sticks around most days, you can’t enjoy things you used to, or anxiety is taking up most of your brain space, it may be a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder. Those are common and very treatable. You can read more in my post on PMADs.

Therapy can be a space to sort through who you were, who you are now, and who you want to be, without anyone needing you for anything for an hour. I offer virtual therapy for moms in Massachusetts and Pennsylvania, and you can book a free consultation here.